


Goodbye, Barbara

by racesgirl2000



Category: Suburban Shootout
Genre: Character Death, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-22
Updated: 2016-09-22
Packaged: 2018-08-16 17:04:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8110435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/racesgirl2000/pseuds/racesgirl2000
Summary: It's a teary goodbye to a well known and well loved resident of Little Stempington but does this end the Diamond/du Prez war for good?





	

(Scene starts at the Hazledine house where Bill, Jewel Joyce and Jeremy are sitting around the kitchen table; Jeremy and Joyce are admiring Milly's school pictures)

Joyce: Why, Milly, you look great!

Jeremy: You look so happy, love!

Milly: I felt happy, Nanny.

Bill: Do you think that "Nature's Precious Wonders" was a good background for Milly? 'Cause Miss West almost went with "Starlight over Yosemite."

(The screen shows Milly's school picture: she's posing in front of a backdrop depicting a forest waterfall)

Joyce: I think it was a fine choice. What did you pick in your picture when you were that age again, Bill? Was it black clouds swallowing Chernobyl?

(Jeremy shows everyone Bill's Year 2 school picture; he's standing expressionless in front of a plain gray background)

Jeremy: Wow! That was sharp focus...

Joyce: Bill, just once, why can't you smile when somebody takes your picture?

Bill: I don't like to smile unless I've got a reason.

Jewel: Bill, Mummy always says that people judge you by your expressions. Hey, did you guys see these? (holds up wallet size photos)

(Later on Stempington Green, Margaret and Pam are walking among the green)

Margaret: This is it, Pam! The week of weeks!

Pam: Too much hero worship isn't healthy, you know, Margaret dear.

Margaret: But Barbara's coming back! She brought it home, Pam! The Little Stempington championship and now, she's coming back home.

Pam: I know all about it. That bitch Hilary's giving the speech about Barbara, remember?

Margaret: Oh yeah! Does she need any help with ideas for that? Like, from a gang member's point of view.

Pam: Well, I'll ask her... when there aren't any sharp objects around.

Margaret: Yay!

(Later, Lillian and Camilla are sitting on the lawn)

Camilla: What's the big sodding deal about Barbara anyway?

Lillian: She won this crappy Pride of Little Stempington award last week, Camilla. (sees Hilary approach) And here comes the lucky member of our team who will do the honors.

Hilary: Give me a break. Hello, Camilla, I can't get past the introduction to this speech. Can I read it to you?

Camilla: Does that mean I don't have to listen to it later?

(Hilary sits on the grass next to them)

Hilary: "Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, good citizens of Little Stempington..." Any ideas?

Camilla: "It is my privilege today to once again send the message that learning is no substitute for winning."

Lillian: "And that it's not what's outside that matters, it's what's inside that counts."

Hilary: Wow, thank you so much. You think I like this?

Camilla: If you don't believe any of it, why give the speech?

Hilary: I have no idea. It's a job with many responsibilities and today, it's my responsibility to kiss the arse of some bitch but at least now I feel really good about it.

(Pam walks up to the group)

Pam: Hilary.

Hilary: (stands) Pam! (leaves)

Camilla: I apolgise.

(Later on the green, Joyce is down on one knee tying her shoe when someone walks up to her; she slowly looks up to see Barbara)

Barbara: (helps Joyce to her feet) Hello, Joyce. I see one thing about this town has improved a lot since I won the award: Camilla lost out.

Joyce: I know.

Margaret: (VO) Barb!

(Pam and Margaret approach)

Barbara: Hello, girls.

Pam: You know what you're going to do now, Barbara? You're going to go out onto the field and thank the people of this town.

Barbara: Thank you, Pam. (walks off)

(Later, Hilary and Lillian are walking)

Hilary: What bothers me is that old bitch is going to be treated like a hero for the rest of her life.

Lillian: Well, maybe she won't live that long.

Hilary: Come on. You know wishes don't come true.

(as if on cue, we hear the sound of a crash)

Joyce: (VO) Oh, my God! The tree fell! Barbara's dead! She's dead!

(Hilary and Lillian look at each other in total shock)

(A few days later at the Little Stempington church, the people of Little Sempington are gathered in the auditorium for a memorial service for Barbara; the stage is decorated with banners and flowers, all dominated by a large photo of Barbara)

Father Michael: How does one make sense of a tragedy so... tragic. (sound of Pam crying) A brave woman, our hero, struck down in a freakish accident by the very tree that was being put up by her back in 1991. What lesson can we take from all of this... other than not to leave trees near bloody cars. The lesson is to spread joy, spread light! Make it your goal to make others feel good. And when you reach that goal, you keep running until you reach the goal post. You hit that goal post hard and that's what Barbara Felicity Montagu du Prez did and that is the legacy she left to you, to me, to Little Stempington.

(Pam cries even louder to Margaret and Joyce's embarrassment)

Father Michael: Can someone get Mrs Draper out of here so we can sing "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life"?

(Later, Pam, Joyce and Margaret all walk along the graveyard)

Pam: It's weird. One minute, she's standing there calling Camilla a loser, the next minute, she's dead.

Margaret and Joyce: Yeah.

(Pam and Margaret leave so Joyce stands for a moment confused until the living embodiment of confusion walks up to her)

Camilla: Excuse me, Joyce? Can I talk to you?

Joyce: Why?

Camilla: Well, you know, Barbara. I do apologise.

Joyce: Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Camilla but I don't know what to tell you.

(They both walk to Barbara's grave)

Camilla: Me too! But I mean, it really makes you think. Got any words of wisdom or whatever?

Joyce: Like what?

Camilla: I don't know.

Joyce: Tell me, Camilla, did Barbara remind you of anyone?

Camilla: What do you mean?

Joyce: Maybe her death hit a little too close to home?

Camilla: I get what you're saying. But I don't believe in ghosts, Joyce.

Joyce: What?

Camilla: (laughs) Come on. How much lower can it get? (walks away but there's no relief in sight for here comes Hilary)

Hilary: Joyce?

Joyce: Hilary?

Hilary: Joyce, I've got to talk to you.

Joyce: About...

Hilary: Barbara!

Joyce: Maybe you should talk to Camilla.

Hilary: I can't talk to Camilla! (whispers) Barbara won that prize! I feel terrible. Why did she make me hate her? Now she's dead and I feel bad but I don't feel that bad so I feel terrible! It really makes you think. I mean, you're used to being all gloomy and depressed and thinking about bad stuff...

Joyce: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Hilary: So I thought that maybe you can give me some tips.

Joyce: Well, I guess what I'd say, Hilary is that here's this woman who was nice but and you didn't like her at all. You're sorry that she died...

Hilary: I am!

Joyce: ...but you don't think you're sorry enough, and you're worried that you're not as nice a person as you thought.

Hilary: Yeah! It's like, I feel bad, but I think I should feel worse, and not feeling worse makes me feel bad all over again.

Joyce: The truth is, Hilary is that you are nice or you wouldn't be feeling bad at all right now.

Hilary: So... you're saying that feeling bad about not feeling worse is good?

(pause as Joyce lets that one sink in)

Joyce: Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.

Hilary: Thanks, Joyce! (runs off)

Joyce: (writing on notepad) "Feeling bad... not feeling worse... good."

(Cut to the Hazledine house where Jeremy and Joyce are sitting at the kitchen table)

Jeremy: So I told the rest of the force and we're going to take up a collection to get a new tree to honour Barbara's memory.

Joyce: Jeremy, what a wonderful impulse. To make something positive come out of this devastating event.

Jeremy: Oh! Well, it's the thought that counts. (gets up and leaves)

Joyce: Barbara, it should've been Camilla who died.

Voice: I know, Joyce.

(Joyce turns around to see Barbara's ghost by the kettle)

Joyce: Am I dreaming this?

Barbara: No. "It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." Just what is Lord Tennyson talking about?

Joyce: Well, he's acknowledging that if something makes you feel good, like being in love, there must be a corresponding painful side, like losing a love and that it's just a fact of life.

Barbara: Sad but true.

Joyce: And what's intriguing about it is that no one calls Tennyson a big unhappiness freak just because he understands that.

Barbara: Is he a big unhappiness freak?

Joyce: No, he's a realist. He says "Emotional involvement brings pleasure and extraordinary pain." Then he declares that it's better than feeling nothing at all.

Barbara: Good point, Joyce.

Joyce: Of course, this was before the advent of community property laws.

(Barbara vanishes)

(Later, Joyce is walking through Little Stempington with Pam when they are approached by Margaret)

Margaret: Hey, Joyce?

Joyce: Yeah, Margaret?

Margaret: I need a word.

Joyce: Sure.

Margaret: My cat, he got into my makeup or something and ODed on foundation and he spent the whole day puking.

Pam: And the experience left him questioning the meaning of life?

Margaret: And I've been feeling really bad about it and I was wondering if you had some advice or something.

Joyce: I'm afraid that inflation has forced me to institute a small fee for my services.

Margaret: Huh?

Joyce: Calm down, I'm kidding. What is the animal's name?

Margaret: Fluffy.

Joyce: I see. Fluffy.

(long pause)

Margaret: So what's your advice?

Joyce: Find some other way to feel. Then you won't feel sad.

(pause as Margaret thinks about that)

Margaret: Thanks. (leaves)

Pam: You just made ten pounds off of poor Margaret's suffering.

Joyce: Come on, I was kidding.

Pam: I know. Welcome aboard.

Joyce: Brill. (both shake hands)


End file.
